Keeping Spirituality From Becoming Toxic Part 3: All Feelings Are Valid

You shouldn’t feel that way. You’re being dramatic. Get over it. Let it go. Has anyone ever said these things to you, or even worse, have you said them to yourself? It is an incredibly invalidating experience to be processing a situation and be stopped dead in your tracks. The thing is, if given the space to process, many times our feelings do change, but when that is thwarted, we will store that pain for a later date, and the cycle continues. This is why sometimes there isn’t a direct line between the situation we are in, and the feelings that we are feeling. Whatever has happened may have triggered something from the past. Learning how to recognize when there is more than meets the eye, whether the situation is happening to us, or we are witnessing it happening to someone else, is imperative. This isn’t an issue that is exclusive to the spiritual community at all. This applies to all relationships we have with people we care about.

...sometimes there isn’t a direct line between the situation we are in, and the feelings that we are feeling.

Why emotions don't always seem rational .

Our emotions are a GPS system guiding us through our struggles so that we can grow. On the surface, you'd think that our emotions are to guide us through life. How to decide what we want, who to be with, and so forth, but I think, more than that, it’s to guide us to the places within us that need to heal. Whether we need to unlearn something negative we were told about ourselves, or break a pattern, our emotions are what show us that the wound is there. Once we learn to unravel

our feelings down to our core beliefs, we

can start to understand why we suffer, and reprogram that piece of our puzzle. I’m not sure that process ever really stops, but we do start to learn how to stop ourselves when we feel angry, or sad, or we start to spiral into panic and anxiety. We can stop and ask ourselves, why do I feel like this, what other times in my life did I feel like this, what is this feeling? We can also just recognize that we need to talk to a trusted friend, or give ourselves the space to decipher our own mysteries. This is where the healing happens.

Our emotions are a GPS system guiding us through our struggles so that we can grow.

What do we say?

When we are a witness to the situation, it is important to say less. If you have read the other two parts to this series, you already knew what I was going to say. In these circumstances, in particular, it is important for us to understand whether the person is even looking for our thoughts. Many of us have been in a situation before where we were upset and we really just needed to process the situation, and the person we were trying to talk to about it started offering suggestions and opinions. What happened? We were triggered even more. We were in processing mode, and we were pushed to problem solving mode. The hard part for me used to be explaining why I was getting angry. I simply didn’t have the vocabulary to explain that I really just needed to feel what I was feeling before I decided what I needed to do about it. Even if we don’t want to feel the way we do about what someone said or did to us, it may not matter at the moment. We sometimes just need time. Knowing this about ourselves, why don’t we say to people, I am not ready to solve this, I just need to vent, or ask are you looking for suggestions, or are you venting? It might seem strange to you, but, trust me, from experience, it really helps for someone to say it to you, and it really helps for you to ask others what they need before launching into your opinion.

Most of the time, people know how to solve their own problems, and they know what they need to heal.

How to adjust our thinking.

The bottom line is, we may not understand fully where the person is coming from because we haven’t lived their life. I have a friend who has white coat syndrome. When I say that, you might think, oh she gets nervous at the doctor. That is like comparing an ocean to a glass of water. She has had some extremely horrible experiences that have made her distrustful of the medical community. If you haven’t lived through what she’s lived through, you’re going to make some pretty invalidating suggestions. I know, because I have

done that to her. Most of the time, people know how to solve their own problems, and they know what they need to heal. First they need to process how they’re feeling in that moment before they can have the mental clarity to get there. As loving friends, we sometimes just need to zip our lips and allow them that room.

Love and Light,

Maria