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I try to experience a sense of gratitude everyday. I’m a hugger. I have two growing boys who are still willing to snuggle with their mama on a daily basis, and a husband who also enjoys our time snuggled up together on the couch. These are the moments of my everyday life that I relish. These three people are what I am the most grateful for in my life. During these good times in our lives, it’s a good feeling to sit in gratitude for the abundance in your life. Even when we have little, there are times when we can feel grateful. The problem is when gratefulness becomes weaponized.
...there are times when you look to someone to give you space to grieve, or just process, and they feel that they have to say something.
It’s not intentional, although sometimes it is used to manipulate and control, but there are times when you look to someone to give you space to grieve, or just process, and they feel that they have to say something. Then those words come out of their mouth. Something like “it could have been worse”, or “just be grateful that…”, or “you have to focus on all the things you have to be grateful for.” Not helpful. This is essentially saying that if you are angry or sad or hurt, you’re not grateful for the good things in your life. Nope. We are all on a journey. There are going to be times when we need to feel our feelings, and process our experiences. It doesn’t mean that you aren't grateful for the things that you have. You can be grateful for what you have, and be angry, or sad, or hurt about something else. One does not negate the other, and pretending it’s not there for the sake of looking grateful is not going to help you process or heal.
Gratitude is not the cure; it is a destination. In order to get there, we have to take the journey.
What Gratitude is and is not.
Gratitude is not the cure; it is a destination. In order to get there, we have to take the journey. What I’ve seen all too often, particularly in very religious communities, is gratefulness being used as manipulation. Somehow if you ever feel any negative emotion, you’re not putting your trust in God enough. You don’t have enough faith. People who are in the worst of situations are compelled to say how grateful they are for whatever it is that they are clinging
to. Essentially these people are resisting the natural feelings that occur during challenging times to make it appear that they are a faithful person. They ignore their need to process how they’re feeling. It’s like they want to jump over the hard part, and the faster they can do it, the better (insert label here) they are. You deserve to be able to take the journey through your struggle in such a way that honors who you are. If that means that you skip a few nights, weeks, months in your gratitude journal, so that when you come back to it, it’s authentic and real, do it. Gratitude is a practice, but you can’t fake it until you make it. That’s brainwashing. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve healing.
What do we say instead?
If you read part one of this series, you probably already know. Not much. It is better to allow people to express their feelings. Sometimes the situation just sucks, and we just need to let them know that we are there for support, to lend an ear, to give a hug… It can be uncomfortable not to know what to say. Some things that I have been regularly incorporating into my conversations with my friends, I wish you weren’t dealing with this. You can always tell me what you’re feeling. I care about you, and last but not least. This sucks.
I lost two pregnancies in 2013. I was heartbroken. I really took it to heart. I know that everyone around me wanted to help, and I know that they were worried, but in actuality, my grief made them uncomfortable, and they just wanted it to be over. So many of them repeated things that they thought were the right thing to say. I know these people meant well. If you’re reading this, you probably have a good heart, and mean well. We cannot make a person’s pain disappear with a simple phrase that we heard somewhere. We might feel uncomfortable because we don’t know what to say. Just be there. Be honest. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I’m here for you. Be that kind of friend. One day, your friend might say, I’m so grateful that is behind me.
Our happiness resides in the temples of our hearts. No one can access that temple, except it's owner.
How to change your mindset about gratitude.
The point of gratitude is not to manufacture some sort of faux happiness, but rather to become aware of the things that bring you peace and joy in your life. In the darkest times, they are there. If we start to notice the good things, other things do tend to fall into place, and we do tend to become more resilient. It is up to us to decide when the right time is to practice gratefulness. Our happiness resides in the temples of our hearts. No one can access that temple, except it's owner.
Love and Light,
Maria