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Growing up, I often heard the phrase forgive and forget. As I got older, I also heard First time, shame on you. Second time, shame on me. Put those two together and you have two ideas that don't work. On the one hand, we just let it go, and move on like nothing happened, and on the other, we move on, and never allow that person to be in a position to do that to us again. I prefer the latter, but neither felt right. What if the person had no intention to change their ways?
Have you ever been so hurt, and in sitting in the muck of betrayal, and someone tells you to find forgiveness in your heart? Not helpful.
Forgiveness is most often misunderstood, and almost always suggested at the wrong time. Have you ever been so hurt, and sitting in the muck of betrayal, and someone tells you to find forgiveness in your heart? Not helpful.
What forgiveness is and is not.
Forgiveness does not mean telling someone that what they did was ok, and it does not infer that we need to accept those people who hurt us back into our lives. Oprah Winfrey said, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.” That perspective changed everything for me. I didn’t feel right telling people to forgive the person who tore their lives apart, but when we look at forgiveness in this light, it makes more sense. It becomes about healing from the experience, and not
about the person. There are so many quotes that say how forgiveness is something we do to heal; forgive for yourself. We’ve all heard that, but frankly that triggered me too. It wasn’t until I learned the perspective of forgiveness as an acceptance of the past, and forward motion, did I begin to understand how to forgive people who had wronged me. In short it’s like saying, “you did what you did, and I accept that it happened, but you can still stay over there. I’m not trying to change the past, but I’m not going to accept you as part of my future either.” It's creating boundaries. Sometimes that’s just the healthiest decision for you, and that’s perfectly ok.
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, it's accepting the past for what it was, and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.” ~Oprah Winfrey
What do we say instead?
In short, not very much. When I'm working with clients who have been betrayed by a parent or a spouse, and their lives have been torn apart. I avoid the word forgiveness like it's a curse word. I know how people define that word. Unless we have already redefined the word, I am not going to take the risk that they are going to be retraumatized. What people usually need is a safe place to express their feelings. When they are ready to release the emotions, accept that they can't change the past, and move forward in a way that serves their best and highest good, that's how we talk about it. When we say to forgive without first establishing the framework of forgiveness, it's toxic. Everyone deserves to feel what they're feeling and process what happened before moving forward.
How about when we need to forgive ourselves?
We are our own worst critics most of the time. In my experience, our own mistakes are the ones that are hardest to forgive. Be gentle with yourself. If you were angry with someone else, what factors would you consider? Was it a mistake? Did they have good intentions? Would they change their behavior after understanding how their misstep affected you? Now ask yourself those questions. We are all human; we are complex, and flawed, and beautiful human beings. We deserve to give ourselves the same grace we give others.
Love and Light,
Maria